Wednesday, June 24, 2009

It's 1:30 in the morning...

For the life of me, I can't sleep...
So much has been going on.

First the job in LA.
Then the plans to move to LA.
Then the incredible sadness of leaving WA.
Then the thought of maybe staying here in WA.
Then my husband thinking maybe staying here is the best thing for the kids.
Playing with the idea.

I guess the question is, 'What do we really want?'
My husband and I are famous for the inability to make decisions and then making huge sweeping decisions at the last minute.

Every Sunday is our 'So what do we want to do with our life?' day. This has gone on for 13 years. We have talked for hours while drinking way too much.
First it was bloody marys.
Then it was mimosas.
Then it was coffee.
Now I drink tea... sometimes, while my husband continues his love of coffee.

We have thought about all the possibilities for our life. We have explored all the wild choices this life has to offer. We think about our sweet boys and the impact of our decisions. We think about what we most desire. We write lists.
On white boards.
On notepads.
On the computer.
On napkins.

We enjoy the highs of making wild decisions.
When we actually and finally make them.
Then there is the maintenance of these decisions.

With the exception of our decision to be together and our decision to be parents.
We don't tend to be great at the maintenance part.

There is just always another decision waiting around the corner to think about.
This time instead of going for the big sweeping decision, I wait...
I wait...
I wait...
until the answer is either yes or no...

and here I am at 1:40 in the morning, sitting in my big, comfy chair, with my soft, warm blanket and I am just waiting...
Until I finally decide to go to bed.


Jude Eastman M.Ed. and IAC/MCC said...

OK--I'm a little behind from enjoying my rewarding-relaxing Big Island vacation.

Aren't you one of those people in my life that told me when the fear creeps in and we start to doubt our decisions or that we can "do it" that we are just about to make great strides forward and to keep the faith?

Not to say I know what's best for you and your family--The decision will come with crystal clarity whether to stay or go. All the plans already made don't matter at that point-Remember, "It's a brand new day at that point."

Love you Rain--this may all be a moot point by now.

Rain Fordyce said...

Thank you Jude for your support :)

Yes, when fear creeps in, you can move forward and do it. Only, this is not about fear. This is about not knowing what we truly want together. We are talking about where we want to live and raise our children and make a living and what lifestyle we really want and at what price.

I have to admit it has been a painful and amazingly expansive time. My husband and I are really getting to really know each other and our true values while we put the pieces together. It is amazing at how much you can still learn about each other after 13 years.

As of today, there are no decisions yet, just looking at what we would love to do and seeing if there is a possibility to co-create something out of what we each love (which is very different) and happily put energy into it for the next few years.

I have faith that with this amazing man and our creative spirits we will design something perfect for us and our family.

Thank you for the opportunity to clarify where we are at.

Blessings to you today.
your friend,